Goodbye My Dear Dream.

It has been a long time since I have preserved you in a corner of my heart. Today, I am bidding you a Goodbye. Goodbye my dear ... what shall I call you ??? I don't have any name for you; any title, not even a nickname . I have nothing to address you. If it had been in the old days, I might have called you with whatever name I wanted to; but now in this present moment, I am unable to find an identity for you. even a name... I can't give you because I am not supposed to do that. I am not eligible to do that. Are you laughing at my stupidity ? Are you mocking me ?? Are you having a mixed feeling of hatred and disgust ?? Or are you out of any feeling or emotion ?? I suppose, you have no time to think about it. You will let all this stuff go like you have never ever noticed it. Something that never happened nor it ever existed.  

You are a beautiful memory from my past that I liked a lot. but now the time has come for this memory to leave this corner of my heart, to withdraw  from the layers of my imaginations; imaginations that ran wild in my dreams. 

This memory of yours, from my past can not go any further; it can not stay in my present nor does it have any place in my future. I always knew that it is me who is holding on to this memory, this dream; nurturing it like someday it is going to be true. Wasn't I wrong ?? wasn't am I a fool in your eyes ?? 

Yes, the answer is in affirmation. Dear Preppy, I am letting you go; already knowing that you left a long long time ago ; still I kept the flames of hope alive.  I myself do not know why I did that ?? what was forcing me to hold on to that memory ... for a little while, for a little more. I questioned myself many times but couldn't find any answers. Maybe, there was never an answer to that question. 

However, I finally know, there is no Jennifer and no Preppy. They were a creation of my own imagination and now that imagination has lost its relevance completely. It took a lot of time to accept this fact but now it is accepted. Ah !! Do I sound like a sad old clingy woman ??? An old fading beauty fell for sweet words and flirty gestures. Am I such a  Down market low priced Item ??? 

 Naaah !!!!! 

You know, before Jenifer and Preppy there was Elizabeth; One day she declared " I am Nobody's Elizabeth. That Elizabeth is still here with all her glory and grandeur. Elizabeth can not and will not sell her dignity, her self-esteem for a mere preppy. A prep school boy who can't even tie his shoelace properly. Elizabeth was worth a Johnathan; just like Sumire Chan needed Momo more than anyone else and deserved nothing less than Hasumi san. 

I am also an Elizabeth, A Sumire Chan ... and I know there is no shop in this whole world, where a Preppy can find a Sumire let apart Elizabeth !!! but I still hope that if there is a preppy then he might have been able to find his jenifer. 

So, let me say this... You were a beautiful imagination for my stories and many of my writings; I always felt content after writing that stuff. In that way, thank you for being a part of my writing journey. And on he other hand, Thank you for teaching me this precious lesson of Life; it will always be there to never allow any Preppy to play & destroy the meaning of affection and warmness.

One last note: There is never an End... There is always a new beginning. Every End Brings A New Start.

Image Courtesy : Google 

वनीला कॉफ़ी --- 5 अंतिम भाग

 "ना जाने वक़्त की मर्ज़ी हैं क्या, क्यों हैं मिली ये दूरियां,  ओ मेरी जां "


"अब तुम अचानक से ये बात बता रही हो !!! पहले तो कभी तुमने इसका ज़िक्र भी नहीं किया।  रातों रात तो ये सब होता नहीं। तुम्हें इसका कैसे पता चला ? क्या तुम .... "

"चुप रहो तुम, फालतू के सवाल या कयास लगाने की कोई ज़रूरत नहीं। और मैंने कब कहा कि  रातों रात हुआ।  और तुम्हें कब बताती मैं ? और क्यों बताती ? तुम्हारे पास कौन सा वक़्त था ये सब सुनने का या किसी की मुसीबत को समझने का। "

"अब बिना बताये कैसे पता चल सकता है !!! मैं क्या कोई  अन्तर्यामी  हूँ जिसे अपने आप  भूत भविष्य  पता चल जाए." 

"पता चल भी जाए तो क्या कर लेगा इंसान।"

  "Sunayna, why on earth did you not tell me about this ? Why are you so introverted when it comes to your life and events."
"Introvert!!! you are  calling me an introvert !!!. Do you remember how many times I tried calling you, texting you ? but have you ever bothered to pick my call up ?  That fine early morning, when I called you to enquire about that Ayurvedic national institute and what you said.. you don't have  time to visit there, it was far from your work place and from your residence as well as. do you remember all that ??"
"Sunayna, I was actually busy, I wasn't making any excuses.. and even though you did the same with me a couple of years ago, you were also not picking my calls, not messaging me back; so what i did initially was just normal from my side. and as for that hospital thing, it is actually quite far and you know that cosmo city traffic... it will consume a whole day."
" fine then, Any other excuse do you have ?"
"it is not an excuse!!!"
"well, it is .. from my perspective, it is quite a good one. anyway, I am not asking for an explanation."
"Sunayna..."
"stop calling my name again and again. am I calling your name ?"
"why ? what is wrong in it ?"
"I don't like that. it sounds like you are dragging me in some sort of question answer session."

"ठीक है।" your Iron Curtain... and silent treatments were logical when applied to others but became irrational when others did the same to you. "

"Whatever it is.. it saves me from many uncomfortable situations." 

"Will you now tell me, what exactly happened ? and is this your reason for feeling miserable ?"

"Long story short, it was due to an internal injury, got hit by a vehicle, at first everything was fine, I was fine, minor bruises and cuts and then after a couple of weeks things strated getting bitter and tough. and then this decision was taken."

"and how an ayurvedic treatment was going to help?"

"they could have resolved the internal swellings or any wounds that were causing the ... the problem; at least this is what I was told by some people."

"Okay, let's not detail it. let's deal with it. let's think that it does not exist."

"I don't need any sympathy, it is not me who needs to think like this, it is the rest of the society, will they ever feel like this ? how am I supposed to marry or can have a family of my own?"

"You can adopt, of course with the consent of your ... alright.. I got it. But wait, Sunayana, the world is not that blanck or dull.. I am sure you will find a sensitive person. why do you not hope for good ?"

"because I don't want fake hopes."

"Anyway, next week , I am going back to delhi and then.. i don't know.  I will miss you Sunayna. will you remember me or not...?"

"I don't know... I don't want to keep a track of memories."

Four Months...

"Where are you ? why are you not picking up my calls? is everything ok ? are you alright ?"

"Sunayna, answer my question. this time I am actually asking a question." a message flashed on whatsapp screen and got seen after a couple of hours.

"I am at Dalhousie, it has been fifteen days since I am here. the internet and social media is not much allowed."

"what the hell on earth are you doing there ? and with whom you went there ? Sunayna , you ok ? tell me everything."

"relax, nothing to worry, do you remember, once I talked about visiting a place like Kothi or Sanavar .. a studio cottage .. here it is. It is a resort spa for those who want to heal themselves. and I am alone here, no one accompanied me here, no one brought me here, I came by myself."

"Are you happy ? is this your danube ? that Blue Danube?"

"I am still wandering.. I am looking for answers and lost pieces of the puzzle."

"shall I join you over there for the weekend, I am still in Delhi and not much occupied these days."

"No, I don't want to."

"Why ?"

"we all have our own journeys."

"What is that !!! ehh, can you ever be normal like normal people."

"it is normal, absolutely normal, as normal as playing pool and drinking beer in a pub."

...........................................................................................................................................

"तिशा, वापिस फोन कर रही है, क्या  जवाब दूँ ? तुम कुछ बताओ, उसका ब्वॉयफ़्रेंड तो जर्मनी चला गया बिना शादी किये। और अब मेरी फैमिली को   ऐतराज है।"

"मैं क्या कह सकती हूँ, मैं तो उसे जानती भी नहीं।  और मुझे इन सब मामलों की कोई ख़ास समझ भी नहीं। "

'अच्छा, तो तुम अपना बताओ, उस रिसोर्ट  से आने के बाद  अब आगे क्या ... ?"

"पता नहीं. बस कहानियां लिखने की कोशिश करती हूँ."

" कहानी  लिखने से ज़िंदगी चलेगी ?" 

"तो क्या नहीं लिखने से चल पड़ेगी ? तुम तो नहीं लिखते कहानी पर फिर भी अटके हो।   तुम क्या ढूंढ रहे हो ? तुम तिशा,  रिद्धि या वो हरिता किसी को भी नहीं ढूंढ रहे हो।  तुम अपने  फैसले की वजह ढूंढ रहे हो।  एक सही फैसले  के लिए एक सही और तार्किक वजह। तिशा वापिस आना चाहती है  पर क्या तुम उस मोड़ पर वापिस जाओगे या नहीं जाओगे या अब तुम कहीं और जा चुके हो ?"

"मैं कहीं नहीं जा रहा।  और तिशा से मैं बात नहीं करूँगा। अब इतना सब बखेड़ा करने के बाद उसको क्या चाहिए।"

"अगर ऐसा है तो तुम उसके बारे में मुझसे सलाह क्यों ले रहे हो ? अगर ये क्लोज्ड चैप्टर है तो इस पर विचार क्यों कर रहे हो ? क्योंकि अभी तक तुम इसे एक ओपन opportunity की तरह मान रहे हो ? है ना ?"

"नहीं, ऐसा कुछ नहीं सोच रहा मैं।"

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Three Months  .... 

"तो अब आखिर कुछ तो सोचा होगा ना तुमने। कहानी तो पूरी हो गई तुम्हारी।  अब ज़िंदगी की कहानी को आगे बढ़ाओ। सुनयना, तुम सुन  रही हो।"

"हाँ, मैं विएना के म्यूजिक फेस्टिवल का एक वर्चुअल कॉन्सर्ट  देख रही हूँ।  मैं सुन रही हूँ।"

"तुम कुछ नहीं सुन रही।  तुम कहो तो मैं तुम्हें कुछ अच्छा प्रपोजल बताऊँ, यहां मेरे कंपनी के कैंपस के पास वाले सेक्टर में में एक कंपनी में काम करता  ...."

"क्या उसे यह कॉन्सर्ट पसंद आएगा ? यह संगीत जिसकी भाषा अजनबी और शब्द अनोखे से हैं। "

"मैं समझा नहीं ?" 

"वादी के मौसम भी इक दिन तो बदलेंगे"

कहानी श्रृंखला समाप्त। 

Vanilla Coffee--Part 1

Song of A Phoenix

My Dear Little Girl,

How are you ? It has been a long time since we have spoken to each other.  It has been more than ten long years of that December morning, a whole decade !!! when we made a promise to ourselves. I know, how much you exactly  remember every thing about that cold yet sunny morning. Right now, when I am writing this letter to you, I know, you are going through a tough phase of life. That is the reason, I am here to remind you something from the past , from that glorious and colorful past which you might be forgetting or perhaps, have lost belief on your own words.

The day and that moment  is still alive in my memories. Darling, in all those years, you have grown up in a beautiful, confident and mature woman; you have come across a long journey. You have crossed the oceans and treaded upon the  most stony and thorny paths. Sweetheart, your journey is a worth telling story of  struggle and hardships. Dreams, that you nurtured in your heart with the blood of your soul, however couldn't be fulfilled completely, still you managed to achieved some of them.  

Flames of passion, ambition and aspiration ... Flames of hopes and desires ... To become an IAS officer. How easy does it sounds.. No ?? Yes, it was easy; It was hell easy to fall in love with just the thought of becoming an IAS and enjoying all that position, status, powers and of course monetary gains that will come along with that lucrative post.     And you loved this dream from the depth of your heart and from the core of your soul.

Was it that easy ? especially, when you come from a small and traditional town. You dared to challenge all the barriers of society that draw the lines for second gender and expect them to be satisfied with whatever options and choices given to them. It was the rage of those hundred and thousand flames that you denied to get married with less educated men, becoming a housewife and to give up the  ambition of becoming an IAS. You decided to go to new Delhi for further coaching and study. The very first girl of your prestigious family who went out of city for STUDIES. People warned you about crossing the "right age" of marriage and producing children and if not then being left to rot like an old sprinter; yet you did not moved even a single inch from your decision. That was the power of those burning flames in your heart that nobody could stand in front of your aspirations.

My dear, how on earth could  anyone  have imagine that this meek, shy, not so out spoken girl  who can't even manage the  "Simple Social Talks"; who have not seen the WORLD out of her cozy and safe home, can take such bold and strong decision. However, your parents knew that their little girl can not only take this decision but will also carry it with all her might. 

Why am I calling you little girl !!! you were not that much little at the time of  those big decisions. But, do I not know that your inner self is of a little girl; giggling, chirping and living in your own castles of  dreams. Soul of a little girl, hidden in the body of  an adult woman; this is how you appear in front of the world.

I know, you do not want to recall all those bitter memories of day to day struggles and troubles, your ailments due to the tough routine and harsh weather of Delhi etc. The cycle of life has once again brought you on such a  juncture when you are feeling depressed and lost. The Physical ailments has given you sufficient reasons to cry for better sunny days of life. But remember your own words, that you spoke on that December Morning, " This is the bottom line of My Life. I can't go down any further. Now I have to rise upwards only. There is one way only and that Way goes Upwards straight."  Do you remember your own words, "I am the phoenix who will rise from it's own ashes." Only you could have said such words in those  tough times.

And you Rose up, you shone like a morning star; Yes My girl that was you, who wrote the IAS mains just after three days of a finger surgery (right hand index finger). Do you remember those Bloody Words of doctors who once declared that you need to consult a psychologist and all that bla bla bla... 

It was you, who proved all those people wrong, who said, "Ahh, SHE!!!! she is looking like an old woman with white hair and wrinkles on her face, what she will do now. how her parents are going to find a good match for her ?" 

They were all wrong. You prove them wrong. Your selection in State Administration Services and the Degree of NET gave them a befitted reply.  And even before that,  before this Tag of Officer and all that decorum, you found a hidden talent of yourself. A talent or say a quality that might have remained hidden inside the pages of your personal diary, bloomed up in a shape of Two Blogs. Yes !!!, Two Blogs . From My Desk and Life With Pen And Papers.  "From my desk" was a tiny step into the world of blogging, a window of your thoughts, imaginations and fantasia. This blog gave a voice to all your pain, tears, sadness and whatever feelings that had shattered you in different ways after the failure in IAS. Little girl, your first ever story  "Yatra" was uploaded on this blog. However, this blog was not just for literary work; you wrote various informative articles about different social economic issues on this blog. And then, you realized that writing stories, fictions, book reviews and personal experiences is something that you enjoy the most rather than the academic work. Hence, this  current blog "Life with Pen & Papers" came into existence. A journey of your literary work, no matter how small or less impressive it was;  all that mattered is, It was a world of your creations, a place that gave a platform for everything that you wished to showcased, be it writing or photography or participating in online contests. A warm place woven with the the emotions, thoughts, fantasies and impulses of your soul. 

This blogging and writing helped a lot; right ?? it gave a new recognition and new level of energy  to the name and person who was still going through the struggle phase in her career. It not just only diverted your negative energy into a positive mode but also rekindle all those little hundred and thousand flames that got diminish due to the infelicities of life. Those flames and their combined energy gave new wings to the phoenix who was slowly slowly rising from it's own ashes. The sparkle and heat of flames that grew more and more fierce with each post that you wrote on blog. And, remember, when you wrote your story of struggle of those years in two parts, titled; Koyaliya Mat Kar Pukar !!! There were mixed reactions; some of your so called well wisher Friends took it as a publicity gimmick or sympathy gaining idea in virtual world. Some others said that writing all this stuff wasn't necessary and maybe the things have been presented in exaggerative manner.

However, that was not the case. You wrote that story because it helped to clean out and wash out all that pain, depression and storms of defeats that were being piled up in your heart from a long time.It was like venting out all your emotions in one go !!!!! moreover, no matter what others said, it took courage to write down all those emotions and cycle of events that you have gone through. It took a hell lot of courage to tell your story to the world; to unfold the pages of personal life... to scratch the wounds again that were healed up. It was a journey to your inner self. 

Right now, when I am reminding you all these things, something from the past is trying to make a come back in our collective memories.  That Greeting Card !!!!, do you remember it ???, What was most appalling about that simple card ? Inside empty, just a scenery of mountains and a lake !!!! or was that the quote, printed at the bottom of the card which immediately caught your attention. Climb High Climb Far, Your Goal The Sky, Your Aim The Stars  without any second thought, you picked up the card and bought it.... bought it for  A Day that you imagined will come in Near future. You decided that one day when you will achieve your goal of becoming an IAS and the day when your Dreams will Come True; you will give this card to yourself; a kind of award or medal or whatever one may call it. In your heart, you knew that such a lovely gift is a worth to wait for. 

The inner side of the card is blank and you kept the blank space untouched for THAT Special Day. However, as the time passed by, this card got disappeared from your memory or the tough struggle of career and life forced you to forget this card. in both cases, darling ! it is the right time to pick this card again and write something in it and present it to yourself, as it was promised  a long ago..... There is never too late for anything.. And It is the perfect time to realize your own worth.... Be proud on what you have achieved in past years and Be Proud on all those wounds, the harsh experiences of life gave you. 

Once Again My Dear Girl, Roar Like a Tigress, Emerge from the Flames of fire pit. Remember, the proud words of your Mother when she said, "What other people's Sons could not do; My daughter has done that."  Let not her words get ruined by the harshness of life.. Little Girl, Do not let the splendour of those hundred flames get  diminish because these flames are the representatives of your own soul, your very existence, your personality, what you have become and how you wished to be recognized and remembered by the rest of the world. 

Your's Only,
 A little flame of your strong will.

This blog post has been written for the #AHundredLittleFlames contest at the platform of indiblogger.  The title of this book drove me to pen down my feelings about life and it's ups and downs. 

Image Courtesy : 1. The Lion Image and the Phoenix is from google.

                             2. The Greeting Card Pics are from my personal collection of greeting cards and not taken from internet.