Koyaliya Mat Kar Pukaar --2 : Yaatri

2009 remained examination year for me. However, its entirely different thing that there was not a desired result or outcome for those exams. It began from January. In January, there was RAS PT and then result of IAS mains in March, following it was IAS PT in May, which was proceeded by RAS Mains in July and ended with IAS mains in Oct-Nov.

In one sentence, complete year was a fast roller-costar ride, where there was no time to breathe or stop.

Some of my friends advised me to join test series for next mains, after the bad performance in IAS mains. It was not possible for me to attend the series of 2-3 months in Delhi, so I did it through correspondence. 2009 can also be considered as my writing-practice year. I wrote a lot for both RAS and IAS, taking care of everything, including word limit, answer presentation, organization, etc.

During all this, I can never forget the help provided by Aniket for Political Science. Be it latest think-tank report, online discussions, preparing the model answer format or sending the links of articles, searched from the universe of information, the complete credit goes to Aniket, that’s why I gave him a nickname “Master Jee”.

In September, I went to Delhi, to meet my old coaching teacher, get my answers checked and also to meet the teacher, who was going to conduct that test series. I gave positive feedback from both of them. I was told that my answers are to the point, well written, etc.

In brief, nothing to worry, everything will be fine.

But as told by some friends later, performance of test series doesn’t give any guarantee for same performance in examination hall, especially in correspondence, doesn’t matter, whether you’re writing it in exam like condition at home.

The only good thing during all this hustle and bustle was that I didn’t get any major health issues. Though there were some minor complications, but I was used to them, perhaps this is the reason behind addition of names of physician, dentist and ophthalmologist in my phone book.

But still it was not over completely. There were hardly 10 days left in exams, preparation was full on, but something was happening somewhere. I was losing my confidence and self-belief, it was decreasing, everything prepared was vanishing and nervousness was getting on my nerves. If I say in brief, I was losing myself, which converted to completely lose myself.

It was a time, when Aniket consoled me, saying I would really screw my exam, if I kept getting nervous like this.

Anyways, miraculously I became completely normal on the morning of exam. Now it was really strange, but I wrote my exam with comfort and ease. Though I had written the best answer from my side, examiner didn’t seem to like it.

After mains, I developed a new interest of ceramic painting and I painted some clay pots, one after another. After that, I painted wood, tile, whatever came in my hands. I also tried my hands on ceramic powder and got really good results, but for me it was time-pass or if I say in better language, a way to keep my mind engaged in something, an idea to explore my limits.

But due to this, I got to know a new talent of mine, otherwise till now, my best friend and I had consider me to be a novice in the field of arts and crafts. 2-3 months passed on.

In March’2009, IAS mains’ result was declared and no need to tell that I couldn’t make it. Fourth and last attempt, my childhood dream of being IAS, one and only biggest wish of my life, my sweetest dream, my all prayers, aim, ambition, everything got lost…

This result scattered my life into traces. Now I was completely directionless, I didn’t understand what to do. How many days, nights, weeks, months….I remained depressed, kept crying, alone. Many times, it happened that even my parents didn’t get to know, if I was crying, while watching TV, preparing or having food or while sleeping. I don’t know how many nights I spent, awoke. I don’t remember. I was in such condition for 3-4 months.

In between of these, many things happened like, boutique exhibition, articles on news sites, exams, etc, But I was not finding my inner peace from all these. If I looked towards my life, there was no problem at all, but if somebody sees from my point of view…

During this, one more thing happened, whatever doubt I had, was cleared. I am talking about my being atheist. Yes, after the results, I lost my belief in god completely. That day, I thought why god couldn’t complete my one wish. I had countless questions in my mind where I lacked in my efforts, why I didn’t get my part of sky. I wanted to hug the whole sky, my dreams used to touch sky. The destiny of “Meghe Dhaka Tara”, star who could never show its shine, I never thought in my dreams.

And that’s why, now I don’t want to hear the voice of cuckoo bird, but still sometimes, my old dreams calls me. I have made my mind, though it took a lot of time, but nothing came easy and fast for me.

I had read somewhere a long ago, “Be what nature wants you to be, if you tried to be something else, you’ll end up being nothing.” Perhaps it was meant for me. I was trying to be something else, which was never for me, so how long I can cry for something, which was never meant for me. And of course, I’m again trying to find god and my spirituality, with this excuse. Whenever I’ll find both of them, third part of this story will be written, till then “Meghe Dhaka Tara”…