Koyaliya Mat Kar Pukaar --2 : Yaatri

2009 remained examination year for me. However, its entirely different thing that there was not a desired result or outcome for those exams. It began from January. In January, there was RAS PT and then result of IAS mains in March, following it was IAS PT in May, which was proceeded by RAS Mains in July and ended with IAS mains in Oct-Nov.

In one sentence, complete year was a fast roller-costar ride, where there was no time to breathe or stop.

Some of my friends advised me to join test series for next mains, after the bad performance in IAS mains. It was not possible for me to attend the series of 2-3 months in Delhi, so I did it through correspondence. 2009 can also be considered as my writing-practice year. I wrote a lot for both RAS and IAS, taking care of everything, including word limit, answer presentation, organization, etc.

During all this, I can never forget the help provided by Aniket for Political Science. Be it latest think-tank report, online discussions, preparing the model answer format or sending the links of articles, searched from the universe of information, the complete credit goes to Aniket, that’s why I gave him a nickname “Master Jee”.

In September, I went to Delhi, to meet my old coaching teacher, get my answers checked and also to meet the teacher, who was going to conduct that test series. I gave positive feedback from both of them. I was told that my answers are to the point, well written, etc.

In brief, nothing to worry, everything will be fine.

But as told by some friends later, performance of test series doesn’t give any guarantee for same performance in examination hall, especially in correspondence, doesn’t matter, whether you’re writing it in exam like condition at home.

The only good thing during all this hustle and bustle was that I didn’t get any major health issues. Though there were some minor complications, but I was used to them, perhaps this is the reason behind addition of names of physician, dentist and ophthalmologist in my phone book.

But still it was not over completely. There were hardly 10 days left in exams, preparation was full on, but something was happening somewhere. I was losing my confidence and self-belief, it was decreasing, everything prepared was vanishing and nervousness was getting on my nerves. If I say in brief, I was losing myself, which converted to completely lose myself.

It was a time, when Aniket consoled me, saying I would really screw my exam, if I kept getting nervous like this.

Anyways, miraculously I became completely normal on the morning of exam. Now it was really strange, but I wrote my exam with comfort and ease. Though I had written the best answer from my side, examiner didn’t seem to like it.

After mains, I developed a new interest of ceramic painting and I painted some clay pots, one after another. After that, I painted wood, tile, whatever came in my hands. I also tried my hands on ceramic powder and got really good results, but for me it was time-pass or if I say in better language, a way to keep my mind engaged in something, an idea to explore my limits.

But due to this, I got to know a new talent of mine, otherwise till now, my best friend and I had consider me to be a novice in the field of arts and crafts. 2-3 months passed on.

In March’2009, IAS mains’ result was declared and no need to tell that I couldn’t make it. Fourth and last attempt, my childhood dream of being IAS, one and only biggest wish of my life, my sweetest dream, my all prayers, aim, ambition, everything got lost…

This result scattered my life into traces. Now I was completely directionless, I didn’t understand what to do. How many days, nights, weeks, months….I remained depressed, kept crying, alone. Many times, it happened that even my parents didn’t get to know, if I was crying, while watching TV, preparing or having food or while sleeping. I don’t know how many nights I spent, awoke. I don’t remember. I was in such condition for 3-4 months.

In between of these, many things happened like, boutique exhibition, articles on news sites, exams, etc, But I was not finding my inner peace from all these. If I looked towards my life, there was no problem at all, but if somebody sees from my point of view…

During this, one more thing happened, whatever doubt I had, was cleared. I am talking about my being atheist. Yes, after the results, I lost my belief in god completely. That day, I thought why god couldn’t complete my one wish. I had countless questions in my mind where I lacked in my efforts, why I didn’t get my part of sky. I wanted to hug the whole sky, my dreams used to touch sky. The destiny of “Meghe Dhaka Tara”, star who could never show its shine, I never thought in my dreams.

And that’s why, now I don’t want to hear the voice of cuckoo bird, but still sometimes, my old dreams calls me. I have made my mind, though it took a lot of time, but nothing came easy and fast for me.

I had read somewhere a long ago, “Be what nature wants you to be, if you tried to be something else, you’ll end up being nothing.” Perhaps it was meant for me. I was trying to be something else, which was never for me, so how long I can cry for something, which was never meant for me. And of course, I’m again trying to find god and my spirituality, with this excuse. Whenever I’ll find both of them, third part of this story will be written, till then “Meghe Dhaka Tara”…

Koyaliya Mat Kar Pukaar – Meghe Dhaka Tara

This title of this story isn’t my original invention. “Koyaliya Mat Kar Pukaar” I had read this in Shivani Gaura Pant’s book ‘Smriti Kalash”. She has written an essay on Begum Akhtar with this title. There is no similarity between my story and that essay. Where Shivani’s essay is dedicated to the singing talent of that great singer, I’ve chosen this title, because I couldn’t find a better title to share my feelings and describe myself.

The second title “Meghe Dhaka Tara” has been borrowed from a very famous film of Hrithvik Ghatak, of the same name, which means “star, surrounded by clouds”.

To know what is the connection between this name and my story, you’ve to wait for the second part of this story.

This story describes those moments of my life, between 2007 and 2009, which I’ve not mentioned in my diary completely, but have recalled them, endless times in my mind.

Those things are unforgettable documents of my life, a chapter, which I will never ever forget in my life, which will always make me feel its presence, like pieces of shattered glass.

Today, while having an evening walk on terrace, I was thinking about things discussed, on chat with Suresh. Suresh Nandigam is my Orkut friend and also an IAS aspirant. 2010 was his fourth and last attempt, but he couldn’t clear the preliminary test, since then he’s very depressed and frustrated. Today I consoled him after many efforts, and cheered him up, but this incident also disturbed the peace of my mind and old memories, started to roam all over again in my mind. Incidents, that took place, one after another, their consequences and my life, running along with them…

In April of 2007, when I returned from Delhi, or should I say, had to return, nothing was same, as it was before my leaving for Delhi. I had become unwell and weak. Though at that point of time, I didn’t know, how much I was unwell or what was the diagnosis. I just knew that I have returned from the hectic schedule of Delhi and needed a much required break. I thought I would return for the coaching of June, but that thought never came true.

Everything went smooth initially, though there were some health issues, whom I was ignoring. Then, one such night of May, my condition worsened and next morning, I was taken to one of most efficient gastroenterologist of Jodhpur. He did some check-ups and said, “Everything is fine, it could be some kind of gastric trouble, but you need to admit immediately for 3 days, for some tests.”

That day, I heard the name of endoscopy for first time; I didn’t know what kind of test it is

Well, it was just the beginning of my long, endless, journey, full of pain and problems, which continued for 2 years, in one or other way.

Perhaps it was 19^th or 20^th of May, 2007, when I had endoscopy. That day, I woke up before 5, it was because of those drugs, which was given to me, the night before the test. Around 5 A.M., a nurse came to me and advised not to eat or drink, including water, as endoscopy is scheduled at 8 ., which eventually postponed to 12, and till then, my condition worsened, due to hunger and thirst. Need not to tell to those, who have gone through this test, but people, who are new to this, I can only say, that horrible experience can’t be described in words.

Those three days were like journey to hell, during which, several tests were done, which did nothing, except creating new problems. As per them, I was getting the best treatment, but for me, it was nothing less than worse.

I can’t describe that experience in words, which I had in those 3 days, as it can only be seen or felt by a person itself.

After returning from hospital, my condition worsened. For next 6-7 months, I spent most of the time on bed. It was a time, when I had left all hopes of getting completely well and spending a normal life, as before, needless to say, I was not in the condition dreaming to be IAS or study for it. In those days, it felt like somebody has transformed my colorful life into black and white. After 3 months of treatment, even Dr Mehta accepted that his treatment proved wrong for me, those heavy antibiotics, which were given to me, did nothing, except deteriorating my health. He couldn’t diagnose till the end, what was the exact problem, gastric trouble couldn’t cause this trouble, isn’t it?

From April to December, I went through severe mental and physical trauma. It seemed this saga of pain will never end. During these months, Allopathic, Ayurvedic, etc. there was no treatment, which I didn’t have. There was no temple, mosque or saint, where Papa didn’t go, for my good health.

Then, finally my condition started to improve, say it result of prayers or treatment, and on one morning of December, I took my diary, after several months. That day I realized, whatever has happened, now there is no place of anything worse than this. This is the bottom layer of my life and I have no place to go further down, now there is only one way from here, and that leads to upside.

Now you can consider this as an excuse to console myself or anything else, but at that point of time, even thinking this much was enough for me.

During those days, IAS 2008 notification arrived and I also filled the form, without thinking a lot about it. The time, when I filled the form, leaving my parents, I myself was not sure, whether I would be able to prepare for it, cracking it was a far more than it. In spite of this, I started to prepare for it.

During those days, I used to have heavy pain from forehead till neck-end and I had to take a long break, after preparing for 30-35 minutes.

However, I gave the examination; I had no hope to crack it, that’s why I didn’t prepare for mains examination. Finally results were out and for my surprise, I was selected for mains.

When I checked the answers with a magazine, I found out that I had scored 70-75 and 65 in History and General Knowledge, respectively. It couldn’t be considered a good score, but considering my conditions, it was satisfactory.

After that, I started to prepare for mains, with complete dedication, but still a big problem was waiting for me. I got a small cut on the upper side of index finger of my right hand, while working in kitchen. I ignored it, not giving it much attention, but when the wound began to swell and started to cause pain, I went over to a nearby clinic, which proved to be the biggest mistake for me. The doctor in clinic tried to treat it with his novice knowledge, which not only increased my pain, but also gave birth to a new nightmare for me.

For next 15 days, I couldn’t sleep even for one hour due to pain in finger. It felt like somebody is cutting my finger from inside by a sharp knife. Finally this saga of pain also ended. I had a surgery, just 3 days before my mains exam. It was minor for the doctor, but major for me, as my finger was not in the position, that I could even hold the pen with it. Finally I wrote the paper, with the help of middle finger. I used to take 3 pain killers in a day during exam, but it didn’t help much. I think, complete fault in this finger case was mine, if I hadn’t ignored my injury, then it would’ve been cured, much before my exams, but till the time, I realized, time was gone. I had screwed up my exam, and on that, doctor played the spoil-sport by saying, “your finger is in a worse condition, we can’t guarantee, whether it will ever be able to come back in original shape”.

After the exams, I went to hospital, where after the x-ray examination, doctor said, “You have got a pathological fracture in finger bone.” Now I was hearing this word (Pathological fracture) for the first time. I just understood that just after the surgery, my hand and finger couldn’t get proper rest, resulting in worsening of condition, instead of healing. On that, doctor shocked me, saying, “Your finger bone has become very weak, and worsened, so we may have to cut your finger”.

Please don’t get shocked reading this, I’m neither elaborating this, nor want any sympathy from you. You can verify this from Dr Ram Goyal, who’s one of the finest surgeons of Rajasthan. In those days, he used to tell my story to his every patient and acquaintance.

By god’s grace, I didn’t need to go for any other surgeries. Heavy antibiotics and dressings for continuous 2-3 months, helped in healing of my wound, though the scars of surgery and wound are still visible, making my index finger look different from others.

It was the time, when I lost my faith in god. Now I used to believe, that if god exists, we can’t believe on his existence so easily.

Nothing big happened, after this finger episode, except that in March’2009, result of IAS mains was out and I couldn’t clear it. I scored 738, which can’t be considered good enough, in any manner and can’t blame anybody for it too.

I began to prepare for IAS preliminary, once again.

YATRA --- English Version

Every journey brings a new experience. It doesn’t matter whether you are traveling to same place again and again or to a new destination. Every tiem when one is in journey, can see the new faces known-unknown, new scenarios inside and outside the windows of bus and trains.  After all the meaning of journey is that we are still in mid way though we left our home but having not reached to our destination.

 It was morning time, while finishing domestic works quickly; all above thoughts were coming into Poorva’s mind. Suddenly her cell phone rang up. Her husband Arjun was on the other side.

“Poorva your ticket for Mumbai in A.C. first class is confirmed and there is an old age couple in your coach. I inquired from the booking clerk about the co-passengers.”

“Ok, that’s good news.”

After two days of this conversation poorva was at railway station with her husband, Arjun was arranging luggage in the coach meanwhile poorva looked at her co-passengers. An old couple, both were seem above sixty. The lady initiated the talk and gave her introduction as Mrs. Rekha agrawal and her husband Mister Hemchandr agrawal. Poorva also introduced herself. As the train started moving from plate-form the flow of conversation also increased. The agrawal came to Udaipur to attend a family function at their native village and now going back to Mumbai.

Mrs. Agrawal asked poorva. “Dear do you study in Mumbai?” she asked so because Poorva was not wearing any such thing that could show her marital status, e.g. bindi, mangalsootra etc. poorva laughed and replied,” no aunty I am married and I the man who came to see me of was my husband , I have a daughter too.”

“Oh, is that so? Well, we have a daughter of your age and a son who is younger then her. My daughter is a lecturer in a prestigious medical college in Mumbai and son is doing IIT”.

“Is she married?”

“Yes and nobody came to attend her marriage.” Mrs. agrawal spoke in such a way that expressed her inner sorrow and grievance in front of an unknown person.

For a moment poorva couldn’t understand what to say then she softly asked,” why what happened?”

“Well. ...she gets married with a Marathi boy therefore none of our relatives came in her marriage. In fact now she don’t get invitations of family gatherings and other functions of our relatives, all because of her inter-caste marriage though she wants to come and meet them. But, her presence is not much welcomed.  Truly speaking then we also don’t like that Marathi boy and it creates embarrassing situation for us too.”

Poorva noticed that Mrs. Agrawal is not calling her sun-in-law by her name, but before she says anything, Mrs. Agrawal again started speaking,

“However we are also watching that how long they are willing to continue their relation, she got married around a year an ago so if she came back to us in next couple of years or before that then the chapter will be finished itself.  In other case if the marriage continued happily then we will rethink about it and probably will give her a flat also as a wedding present.”